By Jack Kieran, Money Talks Finance, @pencakespost

My stock in Cheap Shelters for Doomsday Procrastinators Inc. (NYSE: MAD) reached record high. Purchased at $2 a share, I could now sell my share and retire a millionaire. But I will hold onto it for the ‘Big Boom’. The company was enticing enough for me to purchase my own fallout bunker from the company. The bunker, about the size of a Downtown Hong Kong closet, provides basic necessities: canned goods, barreled water, and an air vent.

I ate the canned goods to store the energy for nuclear winter (I once saw a bear do something similar on a documentary). I installed computer infrastructure sophisticated enough to make an overzealous Bitcoin miner jealous where the canned goods had once been. The familiar red zig-zags of fluctuating stocks filled the screens. That is when the gut-wrenching thought hit me: in the event of global nuclear catastrophe, what would happen to the economy?

NVIDIA stock would certainly plummet if World War III’s flash point was due to a Chinese invasion of Taiwan, since Taiwan is a global microchip manufacturing powerhouse. Due to this, I recommend investing in Primitive Electric (NYSE: ZAP), currently at $0.13 a share. Primitive Electric constructs microchips and other electrical circuits using stone tools, patience, and sheer grit. Most importantly for patriotic American investors, the company operates in an Appalachian log cabin. The company is rapidly expanding and could soon see the purchase of a second log cabin. The company recently unveiled an electric vehicle powered by lightning rod. The company’s CEO is unknown, and all attempts for comment were ignored.

Another company to watch is Shetland Islands, Scotland-based Mutant Design. Mutant Design is proactively designing fabulous fashion for post-World War III mutants. The days of two-sleeved T-Shirts are over; say hello to 4-sleeved T-Shirts and fingerless gloves (because fingers will be radioactively melted for many people). “It’s scary to think about World War III,” Mutant Design’s CEO, Ebenezer Charon, said. “But I see it as a fashion revolution. People will purchase two hats instead of one. It’s quite thrilling, actually, and we expect a great return for our initial investors.” The company is yet to be listed.

Where’s the Food? is the final company I recommend (NYSE: WTF). This Cincinnati-based company claims to be more than a food company. “You see,” CEO Horace Malraski said. “Our company currently invests in the production of autonomous drones that are programmed to immediately dispatch from specially-constructed bunkers once sensors register a nearby nuclear explosion. These drones will surround existing farms and claim the farms, using force if necessary. Once every farm on the North American continent is ours, we will use the Rockefeller approach and strong-arm communities to purchase only our food products. It is a necessity, you see.” When asked if the automated drone departure could be triggered by accident, such as by an earthquake, Mr. Malraski said no comment.

Above: A Where’s the Food? drone in operation, taken from a corporate training video.

We can only hope that World War III ushers in a new era of economic prosperity. These four companies: Cheap Shelters for Doomsday Procrastinators, Primitive Electric, Mutant Design, and Where’s the Food?, are on the forefront of innovation.

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Jack Kieran received an Economics Degree from MacGrill University, with a minor in Culinary Arts. His list of bad investments is numerous: investing his life-savings into Enron, losing $2.3 million dollars during the Great Dogecoin Crash, and investing in Blockbuster in 2009. Each of these bad investments resulted in selling at a low-point. Thanks to loans from his oil baron father, he continues to play the Wall Street game. These many mistakes transformed into lessons and now he is a renown economics and finance journalist. He is yet to make a good investment, and secretly operates from an abandoned closet at the New York Stock Exchange building.