by Claudia van Adosnnobrac @pencakespost

Friends say he’s bubbly, enemies call him acidic, yet there is no denying that Dr. Pepper is as recognizable for the world as Kim Jong-Un is for North Koreans. It was my pleasure to conduct a one-on-one interview with the one and only Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper rolled in with ten bodyguards. Hopping into the plush leather interview chair, he was ready to pop his lid.

“Thank you for joining us today,” I said.

Dr. Pepper returned the gesture.

“Let’s start with your early days – before you were the Dr. Pepper everyone knows and loves.”

“Start from the beginning? Well, certainly. My mother and father worked in a pharmacy. She tested the pill products, and my father spent his shifts flirting. One thing led to another and they were married in Waco, Texas, a city not far from this studio actually. I was born in that very city.”

“Let’s start with your childhood. It was a bit rougher than people presume.”

“Oh, yes, well, my father devolved into alcoholism, addicted to root beer. Soon, my mother was addicted to coke. We lost the family pharmacy. To support my family, I worked construction during the day and bartended at night. I was a little soft drink who didn’t want to abandon my family but I knew that, to avoid spiraling into the same depressive void, I had to pursue a better future.”

“That led you to the University of Atlanta?”

“No, no, goodness no. I’m Texas born and bred. I went to the University of Texas, Austin. This is where I first felt… different. Students had never seen a soda can attend classes, study for exams in the library, or campaign for Student Government.”

Yes, you heard that correctly. Dr. Pepper was Student Class President. He won over the students with his charm, wit, and avoiding flat first impressions. After soaring the campus and student population to new heights, he graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Mixology, summa cum laude. His love for Texas kept him rooted. Dr. Pepper attended Dell Medical School at the University of Texas, Austin, where he graduated with a speciality in neuroscience.

Dr. Pepper’s Official Medical Portrait

One stormy night, a patient suffering from neurological catastrophe was rushed to the hospital. Dr. Pepper was the only doctor on staff. The patient frantically clawed at his head and complained about a severe, debilitating headache. Experts said the patient would be deceased in three minutes. Using his quick thinking and neuroscience expertise, Dr. Pepper concocted and administered a new liquid formula. The patient’s eyes closed and he slipped into unconsciousness. All thought the patient was lost. Five minutes later, the patient sat up, alert, and with a new glow. “Can I get another drink, please?” he said.

Thus, the birth of the Dr. Pepper soft drink we all enjoy.

“How did it feel saving the patient’s life?”

“Oh, I was just doing my job,” Dr. Pepper said, modestly. “Any good doctor does whatever it takes to save a patient.”

“Your drink ended up saving- not just the patient’s life- but also rescued your family from poverty.”

“Yes, that’s correct. I used this new beverage formula to start a business. Within months, we were shipping to parched customers all over the world. Even my father and mother…” Dr. Pepper choked back tears. After a minute of composure, he solemnly continued: “Even my father and mother were able to kick their root beer and coke addictions thanks to my new drink.”

“Let’s talk about your controversial friend.”

“Rum?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” Dr. Pepper began. “He and I know how to have fun but nothing good happens when we get together. So I’d like to avoid taking about our private friendship.”

“Sure,” I said. “Last question. What is the secret to success?”

“Well, the recipe for success is a trade secret. So I can’t disclose much. However, I will say… and listen carefully… that you must bet on yourself even when no one else does. Transforming yourself from Mr. Pepper to Dr. Pepper doesn’t happen over night.

“Thank you for your time, Dr. Pepper.”

“Thank you for having me.”